ARTICLES: fertile ground
Articles by Penelope Brackett
SELF-CARE, LOST & FOUND, AGAIN
January 2001I was lost. Again. Once again , which seems almost daily, I was unsuccessfully trying to get somewhere in my new home state, New Jersey. The directions from the doctor's assistant seemed invalid long ago and while the kids napped in the back, I snapped at my mother's "helpful" advice. It didn't help that she kept reading off every street sign and billboard we passed. But when my head started spinning and my voice took on a low, growling sound, I didn't recognize, I knew that a better map or Internet printout (Although that would help.) wouldn't solve the problem. I wish I could say I acted immediately, … maybe I pulled off the road for a black-and white milkshake, rescheduled my appointment, and scheduled some time-out. I didn't.
It took a few more mishaps and unrecognizable voices (otherworldly or another species at least) coming out of my mouth, to put me into action. I was not the loving, creative, calm person I value, not with my mother, my husband, my children or my business. I told my husband I needed 5 hours completely off. He was understanding. The next morning, after sleeping in, he started off with my son for a household project.
"What about my time off?" I said.
"You can take Lily."
"No, I can't."
"Call a baby-sitter."
"You call a baby sitter."
My mother stepped in. "I'll watch Lily."
Whatever. I was out of there.
After a quiet breakfast with my journal and a trip to the Barnes and Noble, I could feel my own voice entering my body. By the time I got home I was happy to be with my family. I wasn't angry at my husband. I realized he is a great guy, who's gotten used to the idea that I juggle well. We're all pretty used to my being capable. It's hard to believe the well's run dry. He loves me and I still have to be responsible for making sure I have what it takes to have me feel loved. Moreover, I was happy with myself, with my life. And I was completely amazed how revitalized I felt.I know the Internet directions, patience, practice, and time will eventually solve many of my problems negotiating New Jersey. But to build the reserve to handle this and greater challenges, I need my own version of self-care. The mommy/businesswoman challenge is believing "There's no time for me. My job is putting my family and business first." All the purposeful scheduling and excellent time management in the world will not combat that until you're ready to breakthrough the thinking that your needs come last.
What's amazing is once you breakthrough, often the pleasure of your self-care and the resulting calm and creativity for family and business can be denied and you return to former ways. Even knowing the benefit of five hours spent at "alone" at breakfast and Barnes & Noble, I still talked myself out of the next week's time. (It's back in place now.)
Mai Ling Ferraro, co-founder of HOME, told me of the hard won weekly Yoga class that quickly was traded for work "that had to be taken care of." Her stretch is returning to that commitment, plus a weekly personal date, and excellent child-care during office hours (without shared duty between sitters and husband.)
The power of "you first" is so powerful, we don't have to breakthrough it once but on a weekly basis. The pay-off is the more you attend to your self-care, the quicker you realize when it's gone astray. And the more
comfortable you get with treating yourself well, the more delights you'll find for yourself.As Donna Steinhorn, co-founder of HOME, says, "put the oxygen mask on yourself, before you take care of others." Having generally mastered the daily hour, the weekly "event" and the yearly trip (albeit business oriented, she's alone and there's a self-day set aside), her commitment is to "no lapses". Specifically she lists: 1. Instead of a shower, one day a week, take a nice long bath. 2. At the end of each day a cup of tea and a book in a quiet corner...and my Rigaud candle burning...no more waiting for special days to light it. 3. 2 workouts or a long walk with my husband twice a week. 4. Lunch with my best friend once a week. 5. A massage monthly.
Living a delicious, full, balanced life is challenging. Growing pains can be painful, and we can all use some reminders on nurturing ourselves. The secret is in loving your life more than any particular role or job you take on.
Perhaps having a great life is the best vengeance, but it is the best gift as well. In your example, you give other people the possibility. Model for your children, and your customers a joyous life...Everyone will benefit.
THREE SELF-CARE ESSENTIAL SHIFTS
1. Know, "When Mommy's happy, everyone's happy!. Self-care is the
non-negotiable key to having a great self, family and business.2. Believe it's possible to have a balanced, full life and be willing to
experiment your way to success.3, Give up being perfect. You already are. Let go of doing "everything". Say no to loads of stuff, including the "good ideas" so you can say yes to the best stuff.
Sow yourself like a seed.
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